Build a feeling out of Lego
Get out the Lego, or any building bricks you have, and ask your child to build a face for how they're feeling right now. It gives a child who doesn't want to talk a way to show you instead of tell you.
Things to try
I'm Shelley, and these are activities I use in sessions, with children and with adults. I've written up a selection here so you can try them for yourself, with your child, or just out of curiosity.
What these are, and what they are not
Everything here is something I've actually used: with a child who didn't want to talk, with an adult working through something difficult, or with myself. Some are ways to help a child show a feeling they don't have the words for yet. Some are for you, on your own. Some are for the moment just before a hard conversation starts.
None of this replaces a session, with me or with anyone else. If something here opens up more than it settles, or you find you need more than an activity can give, that's exactly what counselling is for.
Things to try with your child
Choose a figure for how you feel
Small figures can stand in for a feeling that's hard to name. Ask your child to pick a figure for how they feel in a particular situation, then ask what made them choose it. Some children choose by how a figure looks, others by what the character is like. Either answer tells you something.
Chat, draw or write about the day
At the start of a new school year, ask four simple things: what went well, what was tricky, what you enjoyed, and what went wrong. Talk it through, draw it, or write it down, whichever your child finds easiest.
The colour box game
Draw or find three boxes: green, yellow and red. Take turns choosing a colour, then say something that makes you feel that way. Green for happy, calm, excited or safe. Yellow for wobbly, nervous, sad or worried. Red for upset, angry, scared or anxious. It turns a hard question into a game with rules.
Where the feeling sits
Ask your child what a feeling looks like: anger, happiness, shame, embarrassment, whatever comes up. Then ask where they feel it in their body. Does it start in their tummy and move around, or sit in their head or their cheeks? Naming the place can be as useful as naming the feeling.
Paint how it feels
Choose colours for how you're feeling, and paint or scribble them out. If the feeling is tangled or hard to name, try smudging the colours together instead of keeping them separate. Sometimes art says it better than words.
Make some slime together
Making slime, or playdough, is messy and a bit ridiculous, and that's the point. The distraction of measuring and mixing, and the texture once it's done, can loosen a conversation that would otherwise feel too direct. I'll admit I'm a stronger counsellor than I am a slime maker, and that's fine.
Two apples
This isn't my own idea. It's credited to Mum in the Moment, and it's stayed with me for conversations about unkind words and bullying, with children and adults both. Take two apples that look identical. Speak unkindly to one and kindly to the other for a few minutes, then cut both open. The one that heard unkind words is bruised inside. The other is clear and fresh. You don't have to say much more than that.
A calendar and a list for the holidays
A long school holiday can be hard to hold in a child's head, and hard on a family budget too. Fill out a calendar together so your child can see what's coming. Then make a list of free things to do, so when they say they're bored, you've both already got an answer that doesn't cost anything.
Things to try for yourself
Build a self-care box
Put together your own self-care box: whatever you'd want close by on a bad day. Have you made one for yourself yet?
Small swaps for a spare hour
Next time you have a spare hour, try swapping one chore for one small kindness to yourself. Organise your desk instead of writing a meal plan. A jigsaw or some colouring instead of changing the bedding. A bubble bath or shower instead of a face or hair mask. Small, but it counts.
Say it to yourself, even if it feels silly
Pick a few things you'd like to believe about yourself, and say them out loud, to yourself, on purpose. It will probably feel silly at first. Keep going anyway. Over time, the words start to land differently.
Write yourself a card
To me, from me. Write yourself a card the way you'd write one to someone you care about. What would you actually want to hear right now?
Give yourself permission to say no
A stressful stretch, whatever's causing it, can turn into trying to please everyone except yourself. Set a boundary somewhere. You don't have to make every event.
Name your inner voices
There's a voice that tells you when you've done a good job, and one that tells you when you haven't. Try giving each one a name. What would you call them, and what do they actually say to you?
Things to try about who you are, and the people around you
The identity shield
Draw a shield and divide it into sections. Fill each section with something that's part of who you are. It's a lovely way of sharing a little of who you are.
Map your family with small objects
Buttons, pebbles, or anything similar. Choose one for each person in your family, including yourself, then arrange them: who's close, who's further away, who's grouped together. Distance and position can say things that are hard to put into words directly.
Design a book about you
If your life were a book, what would the cover look like? What genre would it be? Who would you want to write it? There's no wrong answer, only what you'd choose to put on the cover.
Draw the people around you
Draw the people in your life, family, friends or both, thinking about their expressions and how they come across. Then use cards to map how close each relationship feels, and where the differences are.
Paper chain people
Cut a chain of linked paper figures. Use each one to stand for something: a different relationship, a different part of yourself, or a different feeling.
The different parts of you
There's the part of you the world sees, the part you only show people close to you, and the part only you know. Try sketching or describing all three. Which one gets seen the least?
Play it out with toys
A child playing with toy trains, or dolls, or figures, might be working through a family situation without a single word about it. Play can give a child a safe, natural way to communicate feelings and experiences they don't yet have the words for.
Things to try when a conversation is hard
The worry scale
Draw a line. Worried at one end, relaxed at the other. Ask your child, or yourself, to place different things along it: what sits near the worried end, what sits near the relaxed end, what's stuck in the middle.
Build a wall against unkind words
Imagine a wall around you that only lets kind words through. What's it made of? A jelly wall lets unkind words slide straight down. A brick wall bounces them off like tennis balls. A thorn bush wall stops them getting close at all.
A set of talking cards
A pack of talking or conversation cards can help when someone doesn't know where to start. Pull one, read the prompt, and let that be the opening line instead of you having to find one yourself.
Try the online sand tray
There's a free online sand tray you can find with a search. It's easy to use, and something my clients enjoy.
Ask "what can I control?"
Arguments between children get bigger when they're about things nobody can actually control: who someone sits with, what someone says, whether someone apologises, what someone posts. When it escalates, try asking one question: what can I control here?
Write a postcard you'll never send
Write to someone, knowing it will never actually be sent: someone you've lost touch with, someone who hurt you, someone who's died, or even yourself. Because it's not going anywhere, you can write the truth of what you'd say, without managing how it lands. Such a simple activity, but so powerful.
Try one, or get in touch
Pick whichever feels right for today, there's no order to work through. If you'd like more support than an activity can give, get in touch, whether that's for you or your child. Looking specifically for children's counselling? Start here. Looking for counselling for yourself? Start here.
If things feel urgent right now, my crisis page has numbers you can call today.